Scenes from a Marriage [1/9 2025]
Last year, a close friend got married. As a wedding gift, I asked people with experience of marriage to write some advice for newlyweds in a simple notebook. The book contains entries from couples who’ve been married for 40 years, reflections from divorcees looking back on long marriages, and thoughts from those newly widowed. My own parents contributed, too.
In this newsletter, I share some of these entries. Names have been omitted. All were recorded in 2024.
The meaning of love varies from person to person and changes over time. I don’t dwell on it. I would recommend building a firm foundation of friendship steeped in kindness, fun, respect, curiosity, and forgiveness. Enjoy your time together and your shared creations, but make sure to create spaces to grow in yourselves.
I’ve been married for 2 years and I’m still surprised by how my heart continues to grow with time. I guess I thought I couldn’t love my wife more than I did when I asked her hand, but life together continues to prove to me that there is no such thing as too much love.
My words of advice come to you from my experience of a failed marriage which ended after spending 35 years together and raising three daughters. I thought I had married my soul mate, my life companion; instead our marriage slipped away, which remains the biggest disappointment of my life. On reflection, I realise I had taken a lot for granted. I recommend that you be flexible and adaptive to the changes your partner will undergo as they grow through life, just as you yourself will change. Be attentive to the maintenance of your relationship, and spend more care and attention on it than on your education, career opportunities, or even your friendships. Your relationship will be the bedrock of your life. Best of luck to you both, and remember that you marry the same person many times over the course of a lifetime.
Say you’re sorry when you need to, and be sincere; all relationships require some manner of compromise, accept it; have any tough conversations now, don’t let them fester, but be gentle, there is often no right or wrong.
The most important thing is that you build the kind of love that inspires you to better yourself.
Never assume you know what your partner is thinking. Be ready to forgive and listen.
How have I stayed married for over 36 years? Don’t keep grudges, don’t keep score, talk to each other, always include your partner in your success and failure, be forgiving, remind yourself that you are sharing your life with your best friend.
This too will pass, never get too attached.
It’s important to remember that you’re on the same team (fighting against the issue, not each other), especially during the difficult times.
I got married 6 months ago, my advice: sit down together every few months and review your relationship. Ask each other: how can I make your every day better? How can I support you more? How can I make you feel secure/safe/understood? We’ve done this for 5 years and it’s helped a lot.
When you have an argument, don’t go to bed without sorting it out first
We have been married for 40 years. Enjoy each other for your similarities and for your differences. Embrace the many changes which will come.
It’s fantastic to find that one special person you can annoy for the rest of your life. Just bear in mind that the first 30(!) years are the worst. Wishing you love and happiness always!!
Love is: sacrifice, patience, and pain.
Respect your partner’s strengths and weaknesses, because as you age the strong may become the weak, and the weak the strong.
To the groom, as a newlywed husband you will probably waste a lot of time listening to what your wife is saying, rather than hearing what she means. To the bride, men are not very good at ‘hearing,’ so he might be a bit rubbish, for the first 30 years or so. Wishing you both a long life, health, and happiness.
Marriage is a beautiful symbol, but you should know that marriage is not and never will be the guarantee of your union; the only guarantee is the love you cultivate for each other every day.
Cover photo - Oaxaca de Juárez, México.
